It's been a long time. Let's see... What's new since November of '07?
Here's a scripture I discovered yesterday:
Come, and let us return unto the Lord: for he hath torn, and he will heal us; he hath smitten, and he will bind us up.
After two days will he revive us: in the third day he will raise us up, and we shall live in his sight. (Hosea 6:1-2)
Today I gave my kids some individually wrapped packages of cheese as part of their lunch. I knew my youngest wouldn't be able to open the package, so I opened it for her. I didn't know if my son would be able to open the package by himself, so I just gave it to him unopened.
I used to think God was setting me up for failure when He gave me problems I couldn't solve. Now I know that God gives us problems we can't solve to teach us to ask for help. It's one of the ways He teaches us humility.
It is important to keep in mind that, because the scriptures contain the fulness of the word of God, they must have messages for everyone. This includes gross sinners as well as striving near-saints.
If, after having repented of your grosser sins, you continue to take personally God's harsh warnings and threats to hardened sinners, you can do damage to your spirit.
Since I wrote last, I've seen my psychologist. He seemed slightly disappointed that I've started Effexor, although he said he was neutral about medication.
My mother-in-law sent us a book, Valley of Sorrow: A Layman's Guide to Understanding Mental Illness for Latter-Day Saints, that I read. I guess the book accomplished its purpose, because I myself have been under the influence of the popular and pervasive assumption that mental illness is, indeed, all-in-your-head. Or at least mostly in your head. This book has helped me to see that depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, are all very real diseases. However, rather than striking at random, there seems to be a strong genetic/hereditary factor about it. I believe it is so in my case, as I seem to suffer from many of the same "demons" as my own father.
But I have wanted to think that this is something that I have control over, that if I can just learn and do the right things, I can be reasonably happy and hopeful in my life. However, it has often seemed that the times I try the hardest to do all that I should, are the very times when I burn myself out and become bitter toward God for not supporting me more in my efforts to please Him.
Yesterday I had my follow up visit with the doctor who prescribed the medication to me, who is also a kind and supportive church leader at our church. I tried to express to him my frustration about having to take medication in order to maintain my mental well-being. But he reaffirmed how much he thought I really needed this, and made me promise not to go off the medication without consulting with him first. When I first spoke to him about my problems, he mentioned the thought that God has had a hand in preparing medications such as Effexor to help people like me. Yesterday he asked me to pray that I would be able to accept the medication. I told him that indeed I had been feeling in my heart my pride resisting and not wanting to accept that I need medication to be well. As I humble myself and accept how the Lord is blessing my life, I hope to feel more joy in His service and in my life, and less like I'm constantly going to martyr-like extremes to do all that I feel that I ought to.
After my episodes at work last week, I was very reluctant to go back in today. But work is work, so I got up and went.
It was better once I got there. I didn't feel like I had to run around tirelessly trying to get everything done. I was able to pace myself, take appropriate breaks (which I don't usually take), and call it quits at 5:00.
I'm also noticing something about my driving. I don't speed any more. Two weeks ago tonight I was in four hours of traffic school for a speeding ticket that I got on my way to work one morning. Now, I just don't feel like there's any point in rushing.
All these things are somehow related to my condition (depression, GAD, whatever you call it.) The almost compulsive need to get everything (or as much as I can jam in) done. The mindset that driving is wasted time, and so needs to be accomplished as quickly as possible. All of them seem to stem from some basic mental assumption that things are not OK - the inability to sit still and just feel like life is good, that things are all right. But on Effexor, I still care, but not to the point of mental distress. Effexor seems to help me draw more appropriate boundaries.
I believe that achievement can be addictive: the constant need to be doing something, the inability to sit still and feel like things are okay. I believe all addiction is an effort to escape. Addictive personalities suffer from that constant mental/emotional ache that I mentioned in yesterday's post. They (or we, when I'm not on Effexor) keep occupied because it takes their minds off the pain.
Of course, my underlying concern is: can this last? Can this state of mind and emotion be learned? Can Effexor help teach me?
The start of my very first blog. Oh, the pressure! I feel like I should start with a big background or history of what led up to this, but that will have to come later, because I don't have time right now.
Let me just start by saying that I'd like to use this blog to chronicle my experience as I go on Effexor for the second time. (The first time was when I was engaged to be married back in 1999.)
The doctor told me I wouldn't feel any of the drug's effects for 3 to 6 weeks. That's the same thing they told me back in 1999, but just like last same, I am feeling the drug's effect within the first 24 hours. I am starting out of the lowest dose, the smallest 37.5 mg pills.
Placebo effect, maybe? Say what you will. But it's just the same as last time.
So what does Effexor feel like?
The constant gnawing pain is gone. Not a physical pain, but the constant worry and uneasiness has lifted. My Dad has called it the "terrible daily-ness." I've heard Barak Obama call it "chronic restlessness." I still think about and notice the things that have been on my mind, but they don't consume me and rob me of peace. This drug replaces the constant backdrop of fear, worry, and anxiety with a sense of well-being.
